Dearest Laura,
This packet was probably one of the toughest I have had to
date. I have decided that this is by far a good thing. Revising this story this
time around revealed to me more than I could have ever expected. First of all,
I began working on this story with Swati, then did a little of it with Kelly
last semester, and of course now I’m working on it with you. Each time I knew
that there was a problem with the pov/narrator, but I kept ignoring it—telling
myself that it was an easy fix, that this was Randy’s story and no one would
care about Alex. I couldn’t figure out why-- until I really looked at your
comments, and dove into the deep end, head first, without my water wings.
I have realized all of the following things after revising
for this packet (and yes I will probably sound like I need therapy). First of
all, I really took a look at the female characters in this book. Like you
pointed out, they were all rather flat, kind of shallow, and not very
attractive in the non-physical sense. But why? I knew these characters in my
head, but no matter what I did, I couldn’t force myself to develop them on
paper. Realization number 1: All of these girls are fragments of myself. I (unconsciously) based all of these girls
off of my own horrid dating experiences, and honed in on the negative qualities
that I brought to the relationship. Pushiness, misguidance, mind games, all of
it. As a teenage girl I wanted so badly to blame the boys for all of the
problems, but deep down I’ve known that many of the faults were my own. I admitted
them through these female characters, but was more afraid that once they became
real three dimensional people that perhaps I would like them. How could I go
off liking these people who were based off of things I hated about myself?
I told myself that this was fiction. More importantly, I
told myself that facing these fears was why I decided to write in the first
place.
So I moved on.
After that, I forced myself to look at the major issue—my
POV and narrator. Why—besides maybe laziness? Or the prospect of having an
almost finished novel—did I want an easy fix to the story? Why was I so upset
when I forced myself to the ending and realized it was Alex’s story, not
Randy’s after all? Why was I afraid to go through and ‘kill my darlings’ (I was
once taught to slaughter them and have done it before with other pieces of
writing)? Realization number 2: I have fallen in love with this world and these
characters…all over again.. which leads me to: Realization number 3: This isn’t
just a funny story about some boys trying to date. This is a story about me,
and the boys I left behind. I’ve known all of these boys, or at least boys like
them, at one point in my life, and for good reasons and bad, I pushed them
aside. Realization number 4: I think perhaps like most girls, my high school
dating experiences left me hesitant about what relationships really have to
offer. Perhaps I wanted this so badly to be Randy’s story because his is what
seemed like real life—or was MY reality. The thought of a boy who actually learns
and becomes that boy that deserves the girl seemed sadly out of reach.
Realization number 5: This story, in a way, is threaded with hope. Hope that
the guy will get the girl. Hope that the girl will accept the guy. And hope
that there really is someone of the opposite sex that wants to work hard and
figure it out just as badly as you.
Realization number 6: I have hope. Hope that this story can
and will finally turn into what I have envisioned it to be all along—funny, but
real. When I started the project, I interviewed over thirty high school boys in
order to get voice, lingo, and circumstances so that it would be realistic. I
wanted it to be funny because I wanted people to take a look and laugh (like I
thought I had done) at the ridiculous circumstances that surround high school
dating.
Realization number 7
(but I already knew): I have a lot to work on. I am trying to storyboard or
outline or something to that effect. I’ve never really done it before, but
since I know the story and have an idea of what needs to happen, I need
something to help me organize. I am still a little afraid of what is happening
with the story as I revise. I fear that I am losing some of the humor and edge
that I had before and really enjoyed (but that could just be my fear of letting
go). I’m still working/ exploring/ developing all of the characters and trying
to get them clear on the page. Also, after giving both the old version and this
one a read, I am trying to build more scenes that don’t take place in dialog,
as well as build setting, and figure out the right structure.
I know this letter
was a lot, but I went through so much that I wanted to share. I’ll have to send
Meridith and Alicia some thank you gifts because they were awesome at listening
to me and talking me through things. Also, a big thanks to you for being
ruthless, yet gentle—it is just what I need. I will keep pushing forward, and
can’t wait to get your feedback on this. I suppose, for the first time in three
semesters of working on this piece, the challenge has finally been accepted.
Woot! Perhaps I will celebrate with some ice-cream and an episode of Gossip
Girl (I figure it’s like research haha)
Have a lovely, Laura!
Always,
Hayley
Love it -- Can't wait to talk to you about this :)
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