IMAGE: a struggle

Image is something I never thought I would struggle with. 

Young, thin, active, it was the last thing on my mind… or was it? Now that I am older, wider, and struggling, I realize that this issue is nothing new. Ever since the third grade I have been secretly obsessed with the way that I look.

In third grade I was befriended by two girls, Katie and Maggie, both of which were above me on the popularity scale. Somehow they scooped me up and tucked me under their wing. We embodied the confidence and bond of the girls from the move Now and Then, and pretended to be The Spice Girls at recess.  Everything was glorious. We were known as MKH.

And then it started. My two friends began giving me critiques. Cut my hair this way, or wear clothes like that. I became obsessed.. I just didn’t know it. Every night I sat in front of my closet and agonized over what I would wear the next day. Suddenly nothing I had was good enough.  

As the years passed, my friends changed. Some better, some worse. But the feeling of inadequacy never left. If anything, it got worse. Makeup, padded bras, high heeled shoes, and a flat iron took over me. It was subtle. All the other girls were doing it, so I why would I think that what I was doing was self destructive?

Today I find that things are worse than ever. Maybe because I have realized that I’ve never really been happy with my appearance. Maybe it’s because I haven’t had to think about my weight until recently. I color my hair, I obsess over clothes, I pinch my fat, and hide my ankles (which are permanently scared from a syndrome that I was diagnosed with in 2005). I smile and do my best to mimic confidence, but in the back of my mind I am always critiquing myself. 

It’s like I’ve caught a plague where the side effects are slow onset self loathing, and a skewed sense of image.

Lately I have been striving for a healthier lifestyle by exercising and eating healthier. I lost 20 lbs, and thought it would make me feel better, but the flaws are still there. As I continue to work on making my body healthy, I find that my biggest challenge may be molding my mind to be healthy as well. 

Until then, I will continue to battle with myself and the mirror.

r.