Playing Grown-up (behind the scenes)

I’m finding that it is harder and harder to wake up. Even harder to get ready for work.  Hardest yet to put a smile on my face and pretend like I belong. Work. I’ve  always known that I would have to work hard for what I want. Nothing good ever comes easy—especially not something you deserve. I work between 50 and 60 hours a week because I have dreams. When I was younger I was told that I should always  dream, and always follow those dreams. What I wasn’t told is that dreams are freaking expensive. My other problem is that for as long as I can remember, I have chosen to dream big. The concept sounds sweet, but the process is dirty, rough, and tiring. Like sex, accept the reward takes longer to get, and part way through you question calling it quits.  Lately, all I want to do is stay in bed, drink chocolate milk, and rotate between working on my book and watching Gossip Girl or something by Joss Whedon.

But I cant.

That is what I always imagined adulthood to be like.

But it’s not.

Instead, I wake up at 6am to an alarm clock. I dress in business appropriate clothes—which also happen to be the most uncomfortable and unflattering. I use my ‘nice voice’ on the phone, and sympathize with customers. When coworkers try to pass off work onto me, or scold me for using too many post it notes, I have to smile and work towards a professional solution. Work needs finished, and then redone again after my manager changes his vision. At around two in the afternoon I find myself day dreaming, and question why  I ever protested nap time  as a child. Then, at five ,when it is time for me to clock out for the day, my boss will finally have time to meet with me—and yes, he will want to meet. So I do.  I do it. I do all of it. All day, every day.  Again, and again, and again.

Because I have dreams. Big dreams.

I will get over it, of course. I will push through and work hard so that one day I can stay in bed and rotate between working on my novel and catching up on Gossip Girl or something by Joss Whedon.

Until then…

You can find me in my living room, in my blankets-and-pillows-fort, typing on my work-issued computer so that I can finish my assignments for job number two and ‘play grown-up’ like I used to—but without all the fun parts.

Xoxo

Working Girl

The real Letter from the author

This is the letter I wrote my lovely teacher who is currently helping me edit my book. My mental state is questionable at this point-- this much I know. I just thought I'd share so that people could see how much a piece of writing becomes part of you. Enjoy!

Dearest Laura,

This packet was probably one of the toughest I have had to date. I have decided that this is by far a good thing. Revising this story this time around revealed to me more than I could have ever expected. First of all, I began working on this story with Swati, then did a little of it with Kelly last semester, and of course now I’m working on it with you. Each time I knew that there was a problem with the pov/narrator, but I kept ignoring it—telling myself that it was an easy fix, that this was Randy’s story and no one would care about Alex. I couldn’t figure out why-- until I really looked at your comments, and dove into the deep end, head first, without my water wings.

I have realized all of the following things after revising for this packet (and yes I will probably sound like I need therapy). First of all, I really took a look at the female characters in this book. Like you pointed out, they were all rather flat, kind of shallow, and not very attractive in the non-physical sense. But why? I knew these characters in my head, but no matter what I did, I couldn’t force myself to develop them on paper. Realization number 1: All of these girls are fragments of myself.  I (unconsciously) based all of these girls off of my own horrid dating experiences, and honed in on the negative qualities that I brought to the relationship. Pushiness, misguidance, mind games, all of it. As a teenage girl I wanted so badly to blame the boys for all of the problems, but deep down I’ve known that many of the faults were my own. I admitted them through these female characters, but was more afraid that once they became real three dimensional people that perhaps I would like them. How could I go off liking these people who were based off of things I hated about myself?

I told myself that this was fiction. More importantly, I told myself that facing these fears was why I decided to write in the first place.   

So I moved on.

After that, I forced myself to look at the major issue—my POV and narrator. Why—besides maybe laziness? Or the prospect of having an almost finished novel—did I want an easy fix to the story? Why was I so upset when I forced myself to the ending and realized it was Alex’s story, not Randy’s after all? Why was I afraid to go through and ‘kill my darlings’ (I was once taught to slaughter them and have done it before with other pieces of writing)? Realization number 2: I have fallen in love with this world and these characters…all over again.. which leads me to: Realization number 3: This isn’t just a funny story about some boys trying to date. This is a story about me, and the boys I left behind. I’ve known all of these boys, or at least boys like them, at one point in my life, and for good reasons and bad, I pushed them aside. Realization number 4: I think perhaps like most girls, my high school dating experiences left me hesitant about what relationships really have to offer. Perhaps I wanted this so badly to be Randy’s story because his is what seemed like real life—or was MY reality. The thought of a boy who actually learns and becomes that boy that deserves the girl seemed sadly out of reach. Realization number 5: This story, in a way, is threaded with hope. Hope that the guy will get the girl. Hope that the girl will accept the guy. And hope that there really is someone of the opposite sex that wants to work hard and figure it out just as badly as you.

Realization number 6: I have hope. Hope that this story can and will finally turn into what I have envisioned it to be all along—funny, but real. When I started the project, I interviewed over thirty high school boys in order to get voice, lingo, and circumstances so that it would be realistic. I wanted it to be funny because I wanted people to take a look and laugh (like I thought I had done) at the ridiculous circumstances that surround high school dating.

 Realization number 7 (but I already knew): I have a lot to work on. I am trying to storyboard or outline or something to that effect. I’ve never really done it before, but since I know the story and have an idea of what needs to happen, I need something to help me organize. I am still a little afraid of what is happening with the story as I revise. I fear that I am losing some of the humor and edge that I had before and really enjoyed (but that could just be my fear of letting go). I’m still working/ exploring/ developing all of the characters and trying to get them clear on the page. Also, after giving both the old version and this one a read, I am trying to build more scenes that don’t take place in dialog, as well as build setting, and figure out the right structure.

 I know this letter was a lot, but I went through so much that I wanted to share. I’ll have to send Meridith and Alicia some thank you gifts because they were awesome at listening to me and talking me through things. Also, a big thanks to you for being ruthless, yet gentle—it is just what I need. I will keep pushing forward, and can’t wait to get your feedback on this. I suppose, for the first time in three semesters of working on this piece, the challenge has finally been accepted. Woot! Perhaps I will celebrate with some ice-cream and an episode of Gossip Girl (I figure it’s like research haha)

Have a lovely, Laura!

Always,

Hayley